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chiisanahitominna.
i've been having breakdowns easily lately.
i don't know why, it just happens.
even when i called home this morning (night at Malaysia), when i heard my dad's voice, i automatically cried. my dad must've been worried, i shouldn't have done that. but that's the problem, i can't control it. tears just fell down on its own and my voice just turn shaky and i sniffed a lot. it happens at intervals, like during the phone call, i cried, then i didn't then suddenly it came rushing back. i don't know if i wanted to cry or not -- if i hold it in my chest hurts, if i let it out my dad'll be worried more (plus i don't want to worry my housemates too).
it hurts to hold it in.
but i don't really have a reason to cry.
except for the fact that i miss home badly now.
but i don't think that's the main reason, my friends all miss home too but they don't become weak like i do.
i know it's ok to cry and it's just human to feel this weak, but it's too overwhelming and even to me, it's a big shock. and i need something to occupy myself with, i already have, but i don't think it's working enough because it stresses me out and i just found out recently that i can't handle stress that well and i don't have the intelligence to think up details much, which my project work requires.
plus i don't think i have the interest to do this course anymore. but i still have to finish it, and work it out someway or another. at least i want to graduate from here and give something back to my mom and dad. they've supported me financially and spiritually, so i don't have any reason to disappoint them. no, i won't disappoint them.
i'm doing this for them. remember, Nadia, you're doing this for them. for your parents.
what's more, the pressure of doing projects for my Machine Design class is unbearable. maybe the stress of doing it happens due to our last-minute work and our lack of experience in using SolidWorks. but this time we're not really doing last-minute work. it's just the pressure of details and finding out how to work stuff.
also maybe i need to cry it out in front of someone. i want someone to know i'm in a lot of confused thoughts and unrecognizable feelings, yeah maybe that's it too. i want someone to hold me, and tell me it's ok to cry out, and will let me stay with them while i drain it all out. i need someone to tell it in front of me, i just don't want to hear it, i need to see the person saying it in front of my eyes. i don't know, it's just me maybe, but i think i'd like that, even though i know i'll be fucking embarrassed about it.
i'm tired of crying for no reason, mentally and physically.
i can't wait for the week after my project presentation, there's a 1 week plus of nothingness (no due assignments or anything), i'm planning to clear my mind and have fun with a lot of stuff. please let me go through my presentation peacefully, at least decently, please God.
...yeah...i think i need to have everything laid out to me. i mean, i need to see for myself what i have been feeling, and after writing this, at least i can see clearly the possibilities and the reasons i've been behaving like this. i can't find a solution quickly, but it's okay now. a bit better.
just that i'm very sorry to my dad, to listen to me crying first thing when answering the phone. and i thought at the end of the call, his voice turned really worried. i'm really sorry dad. i didn't mean to worry you, i just need to listen to my parents' voices for a reason i myself don't know. i just needed to. and thanks dad for listening.
a Reason to Smile Today :
talking to my dad and brothers, although my mom is already asleep. this weekend i'll call again.
i'm glad i have a family.
sorry to let you read this depressing entry. i needed something to do.
thanks too for reading til the end.
you're a good friend.
ja.
ps : also thanks to Moe/Fairuz for sharing with me the song Pills by The Perishers -- it's a great song, really coincides with my feeling now. thanks man.
i've been having breakdowns easily lately.
i don't know why, it just happens.
even when i called home this morning (night at Malaysia), when i heard my dad's voice, i automatically cried. my dad must've been worried, i shouldn't have done that. but that's the problem, i can't control it. tears just fell down on its own and my voice just turn shaky and i sniffed a lot. it happens at intervals, like during the phone call, i cried, then i didn't then suddenly it came rushing back. i don't know if i wanted to cry or not -- if i hold it in my chest hurts, if i let it out my dad'll be worried more (plus i don't want to worry my housemates too).
it hurts to hold it in.
but i don't really have a reason to cry.
except for the fact that i miss home badly now.
but i don't think that's the main reason, my friends all miss home too but they don't become weak like i do.
i know it's ok to cry and it's just human to feel this weak, but it's too overwhelming and even to me, it's a big shock. and i need something to occupy myself with, i already have, but i don't think it's working enough because it stresses me out and i just found out recently that i can't handle stress that well and i don't have the intelligence to think up details much, which my project work requires.
plus i don't think i have the interest to do this course anymore. but i still have to finish it, and work it out someway or another. at least i want to graduate from here and give something back to my mom and dad. they've supported me financially and spiritually, so i don't have any reason to disappoint them. no, i won't disappoint them.
i'm doing this for them. remember, Nadia, you're doing this for them. for your parents.
what's more, the pressure of doing projects for my Machine Design class is unbearable. maybe the stress of doing it happens due to our last-minute work and our lack of experience in using SolidWorks. but this time we're not really doing last-minute work. it's just the pressure of details and finding out how to work stuff.
also maybe i need to cry it out in front of someone. i want someone to know i'm in a lot of confused thoughts and unrecognizable feelings, yeah maybe that's it too. i want someone to hold me, and tell me it's ok to cry out, and will let me stay with them while i drain it all out. i need someone to tell it in front of me, i just don't want to hear it, i need to see the person saying it in front of my eyes. i don't know, it's just me maybe, but i think i'd like that, even though i know i'll be fucking embarrassed about it.
i'm tired of crying for no reason, mentally and physically.
i can't wait for the week after my project presentation, there's a 1 week plus of nothingness (no due assignments or anything), i'm planning to clear my mind and have fun with a lot of stuff. please let me go through my presentation peacefully, at least decently, please God.
...yeah...i think i need to have everything laid out to me. i mean, i need to see for myself what i have been feeling, and after writing this, at least i can see clearly the possibilities and the reasons i've been behaving like this. i can't find a solution quickly, but it's okay now. a bit better.
just that i'm very sorry to my dad, to listen to me crying first thing when answering the phone. and i thought at the end of the call, his voice turned really worried. i'm really sorry dad. i didn't mean to worry you, i just need to listen to my parents' voices for a reason i myself don't know. i just needed to. and thanks dad for listening.
a Reason to Smile Today :
talking to my dad and brothers, although my mom is already asleep. this weekend i'll call again.
i'm glad i have a family.
sorry to let you read this depressing entry. i needed something to do.
thanks too for reading til the end.
you're a good friend.
ja.
ps : also thanks to Moe/Fairuz for sharing with me the song Pills by The Perishers -- it's a great song, really coincides with my feeling now. thanks man.
